On last sat afternoon, it was joel and jerry who were leading PnW. Something which joel has said struck a chord in me when he mentioned 'bout his troubled childhood. Actually its one memory which i pray that it will never resurface again but it has and now its forcing me to face it again. I really didn't share this to anyone not even to those whom i'm extremely close and with my parents but now i feel its the right time to actually say what inner demons i've been battling against.
I wasn't popular among my friends during my pri and sec school days. I came from a co-ed sch so you might thought that i would have fit in nicely with the peers in my school. But sadly that's not the case. I was bullied to a point i feel that life wasn't really worth it. I never contemplated on suicide or perhaps i did just to get back to those who has really hurt me so much that it drives me to a point of desperation. I was shunned because i was different from them in terms of thinking. It hurt me so much so that i questioned my existence on earth. Everything was just a facade when i thought back 'bout my childhood days.
During my sec sch days, the year when i was in sec 1 was the most horrible time of life. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused by those i thought who were my friends. These so-called friends shut me from their social circle and formed cliques. I tried to act nonchantlant but the desperation to be a part of the group has been so obvious on my face so much so that they were determined to shut me out for good. I thought that if i just keep quiet they would still accept me as part of their group. Boy was i wrong... They took advantage of my silence as a consent that i enjoy their bullying. I didn't tell the teachers 'bout it 'cos i know that they would say i'm a coward and they would push the blame on me. So i witheld my tounge. And i foolishly continue hoping that they would allow me into their clique. Things didn't get any better when i was promoted to sec 2 'cos i was still hanging with them. You thought that i might left their group but stupidly enough i didn't.
That was even before i became a convert in my pri sch days but by the time i'm in sec 1 i was already baptised as a catholic. From then, i attended cathecism during sec 2 and that was how i became friends with daniel, joel, ian and manfred. Guys if you happen to be reading this and for the past 4 years you've been wondering why i'm behaving that way was 'cos i brough along my insecurities with me during my sec sch days. I was a bit paranoid 'cos i was afraid i would be left out of the group again and i wouldn't want that to happen so i tried very hard pleasing you guys...but erica realised it and told me not to be too hard on myself but rather just be myself. To tell you the truth, i didn't understand what erica meant to "be yourself" until i realise that i've been insecure 'bout my past. Even though i've been acting as a jerk you guys have always accepted me as one of your brothers and for that i could never thank you guys enough. It is your brotherly love that make me into a person that i am today.
As soon as i understood that, i left that toxic group and joined another group of friends whom i can relate to. I also prayed that god would give me the strength to forgive these people who have cause tremendous pain in my life and you know what i've forgiven them but forgetting isn't really hard to do so.

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Name: Mathew aka matt, mattie or no 4
DOB: 7th OCt 88
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